A woman recounts post-abortion healing through Rachel’s Vineyard, Project Rachel
Editor’s note: The following article was submitted to the Catholic Advance through the Catholic Diocese of Wichita’s Project Rachel Ministry.
I had an abortion when I was 15.
I had been raised in a secular home and truly believed all the lies, including “It’s not really a life, it’s just a clump of cells.” My family’s intense pressure convinced me abortion was my only way to avoid being disowned. Not only was I convinced it was the best and only course of action, I also honestly believed it was the right thing to do, the correct approach to my “problem.”
The abortion was completed within three days after I told my parents I was pregnant. Not one adult spoke to me about choosing life.
Although I tried my best to move forward and forget the whole experience, shortly after the abortion I came upon the testimony of a pro-life speaker whose own mother had planned to abort him before his grandmother convinced her to choose life.
He stood before me, this living, breathing human being, who was once a clump of cells, and the veil was lifted from my eyes. With absolute clarity, I finally understood what I had done, and in that moment, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
The outright horror was more than I could process. I buried the trauma so deep that not even I could bridge the connection between my uncontrollable grief and the abortion. In hindsight, I can see how this was actually a great mercy from the Lord.
The depression and anxiety developed immediately and defined my teen years. They continued to plague me throughout adulthood, as I wrestled with depression so severe that I often despaired of life itself. A search for healing prompted me to try everything I possibly could, though my conscious mind remained unaware of my sickness’s actual source. I sought the help of doctors, therapists, a variety of religions, medications, and an endless supply of self-help books and practices, but nothing brought lasting healing. I knew there was something desperately wrong within me, but I wasn’t sure I could survive facing it.
For 36 years, I desperately guarded this wound of my heart. I guarded it fiercely because I knew I was walking a fragile line between life and death. After all, how can a mother live with the weight of such guilt? I also believed all the enemy’s crushing lies. Deep down, I didn’t believe God would forgive me, not for this. I couldn’t even forgive myself.
As years went by, I came to learn about Jesus Christ. Growing in faith eventually gave me enough courage and trust to consider a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. At the time, I was a practicing Protestant who was not only terrified to attend a retreat, but also apprehensive about anything that had to do with the Catholic Church. I met with Project Rachel Coordinator Stephanie Nemechek to share these concerns and her gentle humility and loving guidance reassured me to surrender those fears and move forward.
Over the course of one weekend, I was able to revisit and unpack the abortion and face it in the most compassionate embrace of the Lord. I felt so secure in his arms as I finally allowed myself to grieve. My fears and doubts dissolved as I came face-to-face with his love and mercy. It was truly a transformative experience that not only brought me healing, but also brought me into the fullness of the faith.
After more than three decades of a fruitless search for healing and forgiveness, it came swiftly and abundantly through the ministries of the Catholic Church, Project Rachel, and Rachel’s Vineyard.
I can honestly say that I have never been more certain of anything in my entire life; I was lost but now I am found. Although my life remains far from perfect, and the journey of healing has only just begun, I am making my way into the Catholic Church, knowing that my feet are now planted firmly on solid ground. When I look back on these experiences, the words of Job resonate within my soul: “I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you.”
If you have been hurt by abortion, you are not alone. To learn more about Project Rachel Ministry or Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats, call 316-269-4673. Upcoming Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats in Wichita include April 17-19.